Hey Baltimore: Know The Super Bowl Party Rules

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Photo courtesy of The Wall Street Journal.
Photo courtesy of The Wall Street Journal.

The Wall Street Journal is again posting its “Super Bowl Party Rules,” which it posted for the first time last year.  Given our special status as Super Bowl contenders, we thought it critical that our readers take in its important tips and information.  Special thanks to the Wall Street Journal. -The Eds.

Courtesy the Wall Street Journal by Jason Gay – This is the Journal’s second annual Super Bowl Party Rules column, which I guess makes it Super Bowl Party Rules 2, which sounds like a terrible movie starring Ryan Reynolds. You can see why the NFL loves to spiff up its Super Bowl with fancy-pants Roman numerals. They make everything seem so portentous and classy! Today I ate XIV mini-donuts and CCXXXI French Fries. See? I am Spartacus, reading the New Yorker.

Let’s not pretend you are going to blow off the Super Bowl. Every year there are some lying liar-liars who claim to be uninterested in the game and planning on going to the gym or painting pottery or reciting Chaucer by a whale oil lamp, but this is the Great American TV Ritual, and it cannot be resisted. Don’t try to be above it all. You are eating greasy food with your greasy fingers and sitting in front of the television for four hours and you will like it. Or else.

This year’s Super Bowl features two excellent teams: the Boise Houndstooth and the Evanston River Kittens. Or maybe it’s the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers. It will be on TV, so you will need access to a TV, or at least stand at the window of a Best BuyBBY +2.21% and hope you don’t get arrested. But you should watch it in a group. Please. Nothing’s sadder than a Super Bowl Party for One. So call some friends. Rent some friends. eBayEBAY +0.34% some friends! And please follow these Super Bowl Party Rules:

1. A Super Bowl Party is just a bunch of smart-alecks making pithy wisecracks about a mass cultural event. It’s like Twitter, but with people.

2.Before the game, go around the room and ask everybody who they think is going to win. The person who says “Argo!” is going to totally win the Super Bowl pool.

3. A Super Bowl Party is casual. There’s no dress code. Well…pants. You should at least wear pants. Can we just agree on pants? Please. Pants.

4. It is now illegal in 37 states to run out of guacamole in the first quarter.

5. If you’re ordering pizza for your Super Bowl Party, don’t get bogged down by the “pizza math.” One pie per person. Eight people, eight pies. This was in ninth-grade algebra. Look it up.

6.If you are grilling burgers outside in the cold, don’t act like you’re landing a spaceship on Jupiter. You’re just grilling burgers outside in the cold, man. It’s not that amazing.

7. A good Super Bowl prank is to show up with big bowl of kale salad and yell, ‘WHO’S READY FOR SOME KALE SALAAAADDD!!!”

8. Somebody at your Super Bowl Party will have not been to a Super Bowl Party since the late 80s. And they will see the 49ers on the TV and exclaim, “This team is still in this game? Where is that Jed Idaho or Jeff Montana or whatever?”

9. There will be someone at your Super Bowl party who doesn’t know the story of the Manti Te’o Hoax. This will take between two and seven hours to explain, and they will still be thoroughly confused.

10. Chili, not soup. Never soup. There once was a man who served soup at his Super Bowl Party, and he was never visited by his friends or family again.

11. To the person who says, “Turn up the volume, I want to hear what the announcers are saying!” Let me tell you what the announcers are saying: They are saying the exact same stuff your Uncle Billy is saying, and he’s had four bourbons.

Read more at wsj.com

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