Meet You Where? The Problematic Place Names in Suburban Baltimore

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    Festival at Woodholme
    Festival at Woodholme
    Hey, want to grab coffee?
    Sure.
    How about we meet at “The Festival at Woodholme”?
    What? There is a festival? Yay! I brought my tambourine! 

    “The Overlook at Excalibur” is a place where my parents rented an apartment for three months.
    Why did they leave?
    The apartments looked out onto a drainage ditch. I guess that was “The Overlook” part.
    What was the “Excalibur” part? 
    There wasn’t one.
    ****
    Kinda false advertising, saying a place is “Avalon.”
    I’ll say. 
    And only 1 1/2 baths. The Lady of The Lake does not approve.
    Darn. I like Arthurian legends.
    ****
    Greyrock!
    Yes, Khaleesi?
    ****
    “The Metro Crossing at Metro Centre” is a new mixed-use development.
    Maybe a cute cafe will move in and we can finally grab that coffee we’ve been talking about for weeks?
    Yes, but if it’s new, then why are they calling it “centre”?
    Isn’t that olde British English? 
    Are we going to start using “Ye” again?
    Ye Olde Subterranean Tram-Way Congenially Located Near Livingquarters Whereby Lady and Companion Can Venturesomely Travel Forthwith (With Speed and Ease) To The Metropolis. 
    ****
    Pick me up Peregrine Court. 
    Peregrine? Please. We killed off those birds like a century ago.
    ****
    Greene Tree. Why the extra ‘e’? Why? It makes me want to weep.
    You’re overly sensitive. Greene Tree make me think of…who’s that guy who wears the green pantyhose?
    You mean Robin Hood?
    Yes. 
    ****
    “The Gigantic Oversized Muffin At Lost Hope” — how come nobody names places in suburbia the things they really resemble?
    I know! Srsly.
    I would be proud to say I lived in The Gigantic Oversized Muffin At Lost Hope. It’s kinda my dream.
    Really? 
    Oversized Muffin or Scone. I’m open.
    How about Cannoli?
    Definitely.
    ***
    L’Hirondelle sounds dirty. 
    Sounds French, you mean.
    Same difference.
    But Louis XIV the Sun King never visited Maryland.
    ****
    Is it, like, a 7th grade geography thing? Cul de sac. Like an isthmus?
    Great word. Isthmus.
    I know, right?
    We should get coffee there.
    ****


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