Tag: groom

It’s Not About the Wedding, It’s About the Marriage


Dear Whit:

Here’s the problem I hope you can help me with. My fiancée and I are both professionals in our mid-30s and have been planning the wedding (well, she and her mother have been, mostly) that will take place New Year’s. It looks like it’s going to be more expensive than the amount that her father said he would contribute, and now I’m being asked to cut down on the number of people from my side who will attend.  Already her side will have almost twice as many people as mine, so I’m beginning to feel that my family and I don’t matter as much as hers.

When I try to talk to her about it, she says that it’s really “her day” since I don’t care that much about the ritual and the spectacle, and besides, she is the bride, plus her father is paying for it. She’s right that I don’t care about all of that. In fact, I’d rather have a small ceremony with just immediate family instead of all of their relatives, her father’s colleagues, and her mother’s friends from childhood. It feels more like a performance than a ceremony. Before all the wedding stuff started, she says she never got  “all stressed out” over personal matters, and she assures me that she will be all right when “all the craziness is over.”

Should I go ahead and just make the cuts since this whole thing is for her really, or should I offer to contribute so that my friends and my parents’ friends can come?

Crazed by Wedding Stuff

Dear Crazed:

The question of your contributing more money and eliminating guests from you side is really a side issue because the more pressing question is not so much what your wedding is going to look like, as it is what your marriage is going to look like. Is it just “her day,” or is it both of your lives?

Consider this maxim: You never know what anybody is really like until you see that person in a crisis.  You don’t say how long you two have been together. If it’s been a relatively short time, maybe you haven’t yet observed her performing under pressure.  Now, as time is running out before you have to decide on whether to proceed on what is ideally a life-long commitment, consider her usual modus operandi. Think back to memorable times in your relationship, and ask yourself whether making other important decisions makes her unreasonable or irrational.