Assessing Your Assets

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It’s New Year’s resolution time — no better moment to become obsessed with the possible flaws in one’s physique. University of Baltimore Assistant Professor Marion Winik offers this helpful measurement tool.

Welcome to the Butt Assessment Test (BAT)!

While factors such as personality, intelligence, education, and work experience are all important to a person’s self-esteem and prospects, these indicators are secondary compared to the importance of butt size. Even the most accomplished and beauteous among us can find herself trapped in a snake pit of self-loathing and madness if her butt is too big. And how do you know? When you end up in a department store dressing room with fluorescent lights and a three-way mirror and learn that a hideous alien life form is posing as one of your body parts? Fortunately, most of the time, your butt is in your head, and that is why psychologists have at last provided an assessment tool in this area.

While a written test like the BAT cannot determine the actual, i.e., “physical”, size of your butt, studies have shown that physical reality is less important than delusional projections when evaluating the effect of your rear on your daily life. So take a seat and let’s begin.

Sentence Completion Section

1. The best thing about my butt is

a. It looks so good in a thong.

b. Guys are crazy for it.

c. It is comfortable to sit on.

d. It is in a place where I rarely see it.

 

2. When I was a child, people made fun of my

a. little sister.

b. lunch box.

c. frizzy red hair

d. butt.

 

3. The most serious obstacle to my personal happiness is:

a. my boring job.

b. my tedious partner.

c. my drug and/or alcohol addiction.

d. my butt.

 

4. It is said that some men prefer women with big butts. This is

a. true in a song I once heard.

b. true in cultures to which I do not belong.

c. if true, proof of the existence of a benevolent God.

d. really not the point.

 

5. Which of the following is best for minimizing the appearance of your butt at the beach?

a. a French-cut leg.

b. a vertically-striped maillot with a belt at the waist.

c. a tricky skirted number.

d. a giant t-shirt which you never, ever take off.

 

6. The best exercise for your butt is

a. squats and lunges

b. the “Buns of Steel” exercise video

c. wriggling into a Spanx

d. fathomless yearning.

 

7. Liposuction is

a. dangerous.

b. expensive.

c. extreme.

d. always a possibility.

 

8. One of the most unfair aspects of the disparity between the sexes is:

a. Men are paid more for the same work.

b. Men don’t menstruate or bear children.

c. Men control virtually all aspects of government and business.

d. Even totally out-of-shape men rarely have big butts.

 

9. I absolutely hate women who

a. sleep with other women’s husbands.

b. sell our national secrets to enemy countries.

c. cut in line at the grocery store.

d. have perky, cellulite-free butts.

 

10. True or False?

a. At least my butt is relatively smooth and unblemished. T/F

b. At least my butt looks okay in clothes. T/F

c. At least my butt is not the size of a Chevy Suburban. T/F

d. At least my butt is not responsible for the many problems of the world. T/F

 

Scoring

 

Score one point for each “d” and each “False” answer you chose. If your score is over 5, your butt is ruining your life. But you knew that already.

Bonus Essay

If you were to give your butt a name, what would it be and why?
Answer in 25 words or less and post in the comments below.

 

Marion Winik

Marion Winik

University of Baltimore Professor Marion Winik writes Bohemian Rhapsody on the first Wednesday of the month. She is the author of "First Comes Love," and, forthcoming in fall 2018, "The Baltimore Book of the Dead." She is the host of The Weekly Reader on WYPR. Sign up for her monthly email at marionwinik.com.
Marion Winik


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4 COMMENTS

  1. “Heads” because: a) which end is up anyway? b) Aries are prone to butt heads. c) we rarely see each other, so a stupid name hurts no one.

  2. I have always worried more about my stomach, but the aides I work with in a Baltimore Healthcare facility told me my butt did not belong on any white girl. I have lost weight so now I worry how loose everything is. My butt would be called Jello, along with my gut and boobs, and thighs…

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