Along with being a total creep (in the best way possible!), an ardent Baltimorean, and an amazing filmmaker, John Waters is also king of Christmas. The John Waters Christmas album is required listening in certain households at this time of year; the truly lucky among us get to see the man with the mustache perform his annual Christmas show live (tour dates here). He also has a lot of opinions. Here are a few of our favorite John Waters holiday tips (from interviews with the Baltimore Sun and Vice):

  • “Gift baskets should contain cigarettes, candy, and drugs, things you would never buy for yourself.”

  • “Christmas is good for criminals. Shoplifting is easier, there are presents in the car you can steal… “
  • “Go through your family’s scrapbooks and find the ugliest photos of your relatives and put them on Christmas decorations. Hang them on the tree and people will think it’s funny.”
  • “The one thing you should never do at Christmas is — the rudest thing you can do at Christmas is — ask a fat person to play Santa Claus at your office Christmas party. That is hateful and fat-ist.”
  • “I don’t think you should let your children write letters to Santa Claus. First of all, if they were good all year then they deserve to get presents, isn’t that the deal? So why do they have to beg a second time? And where do those letters go when they put them in the post box? Some pervert’s reading them and they have your children’s addresses and they’ll be over at your house giving your kids something they DON’T want for Christmas. So don’t let your kids write those pagan letters.”
  • “Don’t you wish more people put Christmas albums out? John Travolta has one, but I wish that more rappers would do it. That’s what I want, gangsta rap Christmas albums. Almost none of them do it… I think Justin Bieber should do a duet album with a really gangster rapper. That would be really funny.”
  • “If you’re a crackhead, go Christmas caroling and scare the neighbors. You can’t get arrested for that.”
  • And one bonus Halloween tip, just for fun:  “If I had to choose to wear a Halloween costume or die I would choose death. You see, those people coming home drunk after those parties in their costumes, it’s so embarrassing. It’s worse than a Diane Arbus moment.”