Photo via Gawker
Photo via Gawker

Cool is an ephemeral concept. It has something to do with confidence, with being forward-looking, with being brave enough to go your own way. As soon as you try to pin it down, it slips away; that old Supreme Court definition of pornography, you just know it when you see it, applies.

And so based on that very vague, slippery, non-rigorous definition, I feel completely qualified to say that Washington, DC is emphatically not the coolest city in the country.

Complete list of the coolest American cities: 1. Peopleโ€™s Republic of Rolling Your Eyes At NY and LA 2. NY 3. LA โ€ฆ 126. Riverside 127. DC

โ€” Matt Pearce (@mattdpearce) August 8, 2014

Now donโ€™t get me wrongโ€“there are a lot of great things about Washington, including its public transit system and the amazing availability of Ethiopian food. And Iโ€™m sure there are some cool people in DC. But when Forbes puts our nationโ€™s capital at the top of its 2014 list of Americaโ€™s coolest cities, itโ€™s hard not to believe that theyโ€™re trolling a little bit. Even the Washington Post finds it difficult to take the honor seriously. Another relevant data point: Baltimore, clearly the coolest city, doesnโ€™t make the list at all. However, Bethesdaโ€“Bethesda!!โ€“comes in at number 19.

They keep using that word. I do not think it means what they think it means. โ€œDC the coolest,โ€ says Forbes. http://t.co/7fTqxgXO9O

โ€” Robert Thomson (@RT_Thomson) August 6, 2014


There is, of course, a metric behind these rankings. Forbes looked at the availability of zoos, sports events, golf courses, national parks, museums, theater performances, restaurants, and farmerโ€™s markets. It also looked at diversity and population growth. Considering those criteria, itโ€™s not surprising that DC came out on top, and that Baltimore didnโ€™t rank at all. (The โ€œDC is cool! Really!!!โ€ narrative has been refuted handily by Gawker in previous years, we should note.)

What makes DC Americaโ€™s coolest city? The soul crushing architecture that lines our streets or the hordes of zombies that walk them?

โ€” Puck Buddys (@PuckBuddys) August 6, 2014


Itโ€™s also a good reminder of how impossible it is to quantify cool. A city can have all the restaurants and zoos in the world (ahem, San Diego) and still be missing that ineffableโ€ฆ something that qualifies as coolness. Sorry, DCโ€“you just donโ€™t make the cut.

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