Shaving the Female Leg

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    University of  Baltimore MFA grad student Sue Loweree knows a heck of a lot about hair removal — her hilarious self-help advice might convince you never to shave your gams ever again.

    CANDIDATES:

    Some states, such as Vermont and Maine, and northwestern mountain towns and Germany do not require shaved-legs. Female wrestlers, cow wranglers, and river guides are also exempt, unless they are going home for the holidays, are asked to be a bridesmaid, or are invited to an upscale pool party.

    CHOOSING YOUR RAZOR:

    Before selecting a razor, know your stubble! If it is soft and downy, a wimpy pink razor for women might do the trick, but leg hairs can be tough cookies. You can definitely get the job done with a big, black-handled, double-bladed, stump-grinder of a razor for overachieving men.

    While electric shavers are handy, they can painfully pull the hairs and leave unsightly mow marks, not unlike crop circles.

    CHOOSING A SHAVING CREAM:

    The only difference between shaving creams is in their scent and size. Mosquitoes and raccoons will be repulsed by the strong smell of a less expensive cream. It pays to buy the biggest can possible because you can also use it for shaving cream pies, biodegradable neighborhood graffiti, and writing notes to yourself on the bathroom mirror.

    PREPARING THE LEG:

    Address the bathroom sink. Aggressively throw your foot into it without slipping on the bathroom rug and bashing your skull on the counter. If this is physically impossible, try sitting on the kitchen counter instead. This is much more comfortable and avoids wasting gallons of bathtub water.

    REMOVING THE HAIRS:

    Wet the leg to be shaved before rubbing on blobs of shaving cream. The shaving cream makes the hairs stand up and helps you to see where you whacked them off. The lighter the scrape the less the blood. It’s all in the wrist. Keep rinsing the razor.

    Guard against building too much confidence while shaving the fatty calf, which can lead to fatal over-exuberance on the shinbone ridge and the outside ankle bump bone. (See “Repairs.”)

    When all the shaving cream is gone, rinse off the blood and feel the silky results!

    REPAIRS:

    Sometimes the razor may slip sideways or accidentally scrape off the skin on the shinbone. To stop continual bleeding into your shoe, spit on a piece of toilet paper and stick it on the bloody bits. While that stops the bleeding, the toilet paper also blends right into the skin!

    Now this is one of nature’s perfect plans. Weeks later, when all of the scabs fall off, not only does that let you know when it is time to shave again, but eventually permanent, unsightly scars will form on your shins preventing any further hair growth, ever!

    Follow these few simple steps to give you years of stubble-free living. No more will you suffer the embarrassment of inadvertently scratching your neighbor’s furniture, injuring small children, or causing painful rashes on your leg-wrestling partners.

    Happy leg shaving to you!

     

    Sue Loweree is currently pursuing an M.F.A. in creative writing at the University of Baltimore.  Otherwise, she is a gardener on Maryland’s eastern shore, whose shaving technique is informed by mowing the lawn.



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