There were a few people — not many, admittedly — who spoke up in favor of the University of Maryland sorority girl whose deranged, profanity-laden letter to her Delta Gamma sisters went viral in April. (Need a reminder?  “I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f***ing AWKWARD and so f***ing BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f***ing find you on campus to do it myself.”) The generous-minded among us praised the sister (who was later revealed to be Rebecca Martinson) for her, um, lively way with language.

But now Martinson has gone and gotten herself a gig as a dating columnist — for a website ominously named “BroBible” no less — in which she proves herself to be every bit as profane and depressing as we’d feared.

The first entry in Martinson’s foray into the dating advice world is, frankly, a bummer. It’s entitled “A Guide to Getting a Guy to Text You the Morning After, By America’s Favorite Sorority Girl.”  Step one is “only half put out.” And then it goes downhill from there!

Martinson paints a picture of a bleak world of drunken hookups in which men go to bars “TO TRY TO STICK IT IN” not “TO GET TO KNOW YOU [or] HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR NEW SHADES OF NAIL POLISH” (caps hers, natch). “To most drunk guys,” she writes, “a wet hole is a wet hole.” Not that women come off any better; in Martinson’s world, they’re mopey, nail-polished obsessed, clingy, and kind of dumb. Maybe the best way for this kind of girl to get this kind of guy to text her back is to play the weird sorts of mind games that Martinson advocates (step two:  “Run awayyy!”). But is that really such a victory?

Martinson’s original rant to her sorority girls was so over the top that some of us hoped she had her tongue at least partially in cheek; after all, no one (except Michael Shannon) could actually say such things with a straight face. But although her dating column makes stabs at humor, it’s strictly of the girls-are-stupid-and-boys-only-want-sex variety. Snooze. I have to admit, I hope this is the last we hear from Martinson — and I fear that it’s only the beginning.

For a palate cleanser, you may want to check out Baltimore Fishbowl’s own dating advice column, which is penned by Sara Lynn Michener, which contains zero references to thongs, “his junk,” and cranberry vodkas.

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