Before Trying Guy Fieri’s Balto. Restaurant, Read This Insane Review of the New York Location

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Guy Fieri's American Kitchen and Bar
Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen and Bar in Times Square

No rush, since Baltimore’s Horseshoe Casino won’t be open for a few months yet, but before you check out Guy Fieri’s Baltimore Kitchen & Bar, a 350-seat restaurant slated for the casino, you have to read this one-star New York Times review from 2012 of Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square.

The reviewer takes issue with pretty much every aspect of the Kitchen & Bar experience, from the food to the service to the decor to the menu descriptions, and (assuming you can manage to enjoy someone getting absolutely torn into) it’s one heck of a read!

The article, conceived as a public letter to the celebrity chef, begins, “Guy Fieri, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square?” and continues as a series of brutal rhetorical questions for 1,200 words. Questions like:

“Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex? When you saw the burger described as ‘Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,’ did your mind touch the void for a minute?”

and:

“What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?”

and:

“Does this make it sound as if everything at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar is inedible? I didn’t say that, did I?”

and:

“Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?”

Seriously, read it. And then hope that the Baltimore version is different.

[H/T Baltimore Business Journal]



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