Archeologists have discovered — through painstaking review of sherds of hollow plastic child-sized orange “gathering pumpkins” — that the ancient tech-age so-called “Halloweenic” civilizations prospered throughout North America from about 1950 CE to their apex in 2014 CE before tragically crashing in 2050 CE like Pompeii under the weight of the ash from the explosion of their great factories, which produced cut-rate milk chocolate and cane sugar that was poured into molds and then colorfully packaged with names like “Snack-pak Twizzlers gluten-free.”
Little was known of the people…until now.
Recently a cache of 5,000 year old small artifacts from what was perhaps the epicenter of the Cult of Plastic Tombstones from “Party City” has been uncovered in the Owings Mills, Maryland, an ancient Shangri-La of strip malls, nail places, and “sub shops” northwest of the ancient capital where, on the last day of October, according to the solar calendar, people would perform a yearly rite called by many names: “Halloween,” most frequently, but also “Those Teenagers’ Costumes Are Really Unconvincing,” and “Damnit, I Forgot To Buy More Candy, Quick! Blow Out The Pumpkins So No One Thinks We’re Home.”
Here is an inventory of the contents:
COSTUME REMNANTS of “Ninja,” “Sexy Tap Dancing Cat” and “French Maid.” To date, no male skeleton has been found in a “Sexy Tap Dancing Cat” costume. These ancient peoples had strict gender roles.
PAPER (from the pulp of trees) labeled “School Costume Rules for Parents.” The meaning of this incredible find is clear: In the mid-21st century, children were discouraged from dressing-up all together as in-groups like their parents did (See: “Fruit Of The Loom Fruit,” or “The Cast of The Breakfast Club”) The civilization evolved and it became frowned upon to dress in groups like, “Fluttershy et al.,” and “Guardians of The Galaxy Characters,” at risk of leaving someone out.
CERAMIC POTSHERD CONTAINING THE REMAINS OF “MULLED CIDER” A highlight of the harvest festival was gathering around a “fire pit,” “Made In China” to participate in the group event called “Mulled Cider and Old Fashioned Donuts” while wearing a “French Maid” costume for the women, and for the men, “Julius Cesar” or “An Ex-President.” Events held in the morning preferred “Pumpkin Spice Lattes” as their ceremonial beverage, though our scientists have found in them no molecular evidence of pumpkin.
SYNTHETIC COBWEB Another “Made in China” devotional item, this gauzy petroleum by-product was pulled across windows and doorways of homes to make the dwelling-places “spooky.” Why? Who knows? It’s confusing. It is widely known that these people were scared of being outside, of death, and they had a word in their language especially for the fear of spiders.
A MOTION-SENSITIVE SKELETON IN A TRACK SUIT THAT SINGS Informally known in archeological circles as “Dem Bones,” this “indoor/outdoor” “decor” that “requires two double D batteries” to do “jazz hands” was yet another method of the ancients to mock death.
PLASTIC IZZY DEAD TOMBSTONE Corny humor was hugely popular for these extinct but once powerful peoples. COLDEN BURRIED and BARRY A. LIVE were found close to IZZY DEAD suggesting that it was popular to group corny plastic tombstones together to make a harmonious “installation” or “Halloween-themed doorway” as was suggested by the “EZ Halloween-craft” magazines in the check outs of the grocery stores of the day. Smaller tombstones were also available at “Party City” for “tablescaping,” another popular fall pastime especially for women as evidenced by the number of female skeletons found in Owings Mills in the position of “arranging gourds.”