The Mach 39
The Mach 39

The whole U.S. speedskating team — “literally everyone,” according to speedskater Brian Hansen — is underperforming in Sochi and has yet to win any medals. Some fear that Under Armour’s highly touted fancy new suits — the ones they collaborated on with Lockheed-Martin — may be to blame. Specifically, they believe the mesh section on the back of the suit may be creating drag.

Under Armour’s senior vice president Kevin Haley rejects the hypothesis, stating unequivocally that the Under Armour Mach 39 “is the most scientifically advanced and rigorously tested suit ever featured in Olympic competition.” And U.S. Speedskating Executive Director Todd Morris maintains that “the evidence does not suggest” that the suits are too blame for the athletes’ disappointing performances.

And yet, other inside sources have confirmed that the suits may be replaced.

They better do something! U.S. hasn’t gone medal-less in speedskating since 1984! And our athletes are no slouches. We’ve got the world’s top-ranked women’s skater and the world’s top-ranked men’s skater. And the best either of them could finish in a race is seventh!

So let’s just go back to the old suits and blame the whole thing on Lockheed-Martin.