Warning: UB MFA grad student Ellen Hartley has some strong opinions that might just crack you up.
GOD SHOULD HAVE GONE TO LAW SCHOOL
I hate
TEETH
loathe & detest them
TEETH
are instruments of the devil
if there’s one deciding factor in our quest for rationality in the universe it’s
TEETH
I figure the world must be irrational
insofar as
TEETH
are clumsy
breakable
painful
expensive
TEETH
require unrelenting maintenance
and (in most cases) aren’t particularly attractive
In fact
I’m convinced that
TEETH
confirm the nonexistence of the Deity
for surely an omnipotent
God
would have designed something more efficient and more elegant than
TEETH
plates of indestructible heavy-duty plastic for example
the current arrangement of bony bits and spaces equipped for nothing but trapping
celery strings or poppy seeds
preposterous!
unless of course God is a dentist
in which case
TEETH
suggest a rational universe
but wait
if God’s a dentist just forget grace mercy loving kindness
after all
God’s not doing it
for charity.
If I Were Your English Teacher
Poets make pets of pretty words. . . —Marianne Moore
good morning class
today’s word is
absquatulate
it’s not your everyday word and
you won’t find it
in your everyday dictionary
you have to look
in the OED
and squint
through the little magnifying stick
because the print
is too small for regular eyes
(otherwise
they’d never be able to fit
every single English word into
three volumes)
on page 10 you’ll discover that
absquatulate
means
vamoose
pack up and leave if you prefer
a rare find
for the connoisseur of words
which I hope you are
embrace
absquatulate in your discourse
and
you will produce
dithyrambs of distinction
use it in a sentence every day for a week
and
it will be yours
forever
Ellen Hartley is a nonfiction writer, currently enrolled in the MFA program at UB. When her career as a professional flutist failed to pay the rent, she became a lawyer and served as Assistant State’s Attorney for Baltimore City. She has also taught at Towson University and written music reviews for local papers.
