God Should Have Gone to Law School: Two Funny Poems for Friday

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ddWarning: UB MFA grad student Ellen Hartley has some strong opinions that might just crack you up.

GOD SHOULD HAVE GONE TO LAW SCHOOL

I hate

TEETH

loathe & detest them

TEETH

are instruments of the devil

if there’s one deciding factor in our quest for rationality in the universe it’s

TEETH

I figure the world must be irrational

insofar as

TEETH

are clumsy

breakable

painful

expensive

TEETH

require unrelenting maintenance

and (in most cases) aren’t particularly attractive

In fact

I’m convinced that

TEETH

confirm the nonexistence of the Deity

for surely an omnipotent

God

would have designed something more efficient and more elegant than

TEETH

plates of indestructible heavy-duty plastic for example

the current arrangement of bony bits and spaces equipped for nothing but trapping

celery strings or poppy seeds

preposterous!

unless of course God is a dentist

in which case

TEETH

suggest a rational universe

but wait

if God’s a dentist just forget grace mercy loving kindness

after all

God’s not doing it

for charity.

 

If I Were Your English Teacher                               

Poets make pets of pretty words. . . —Marianne Moore

good morning class

today’s word is

absquatulate

it’s not your everyday word and

you won’t find it

in your everyday dictionary

you have to look

in the OED

and squint

through the little magnifying stick

because the print

is too small for regular eyes

(otherwise

they’d never be able to fit

every single English word into

three volumes)

on page 10 you’ll discover that

absquatulate

means

vamoose

pack up and leave if you prefer

a rare find

for the connoisseur of words

which I hope you are

embrace

absquatulate in your discourse

and

you will produce

dithyrambs of distinction

use it in a sentence every day for a week

and

it will be yours

forever

 

Ellen Hartley is a nonfiction writer, currently enrolled in the MFA program at UB. When her career as a professional flutist failed to pay the rent, she became a lawyer and served as Assistant State’s Attorney for Baltimore City. She has also taught at Towson University and written music reviews for local papers.



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