Baltimore Fishbowl Contributing Writer MV Banks writes the following column for The City That Breeds, and asks, “Huh?” to many of the weird and wonderful offers and asks on the local version of the world’s biggest classified section.

You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym?  Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.

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“Steeler’s Fan (Raven’s Game)”
Date Posted: February 5, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: n/a
Message: “We met tailgating and once at Mother’s. I know you’re married, but I want to be your dirty little secret.”

Questions Raised: Is there any fruit sweeter than that which is forbidden?  One thing is a tryst with a married man, a rendezvous with a Steelers fan is a whole other level.  A discreet appointment with a married Steelers fan may be on par with the apple in the Garden of Eden.  Tread carefully, miss, lest the snake of the NFL draw you into questionably territory.  I question your discretion, due largely to your mentioning so many explicit details of your meeting and flirtations out on the internet.

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“American flag guy on Charles (GO RAVENS!)”
Date Posted: February 4, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: 20
Message: “We were both in the mob on North Charles after the Ravens won, you were carrying a giant American flag and leading chants. I told you you were sexy, ran back to you and we made out a little. You seem really cool and you’re a great kisser, just wondering if you’d ever like a re-play. Tell me what color scarf I was wearing!”

Questions Raised:  Oh honey.  I could probably tell you what color scarf you were wearing.  Let’s say purple, because the odds are pretty high.  I was in this mob with you.  I’m about 95% sure that you two were captured on the Sun’s collection of celebration photos, too,  I want to tell you and the Forbidden and Forlorn Love Lady above that these just aren’t going to happen.  Why can’t you guys just be pumped about the Ravens winning the Super Bowl, and for once, not make it be about love or lust?  WE WON THE SUPER BOWL.  Do you honestly think Flag Man was out looking for his one true love?  No, he was celebrating the win, as he rightfully should have been.  I wish you luck finding your Marius Pontmercy, but please stop trying to steal the Ravens’ thunder.

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“Bohemian Coffee House”
Date Posted: February 3, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: n/a
Message: “I saw you today while I was reading at Bohemian. You have glasses and your hair is long and you spoke to the barista about the weather when she asked how you were. I continued to read until I felt the urge to go and when I stood up, you did too. I thought you had left. Anyway, you walked out more than several paces behind me and we shared a similar route for a while, before you disappeared past Penn Station. If by some chance you see this, I wanted you to know that there is something so beautiful about you, and the way you can speak about the weather and make it sound like something other than small talk. I don’t expect to see you again and I’m not trying to hunt you down. I just feel the need to thank you for giving me something to think about as I walked home in the cold. I hope you see this and feel admired.”

Questions Raised:  Is it just day-to-day weather that gets you all hot and bothered, or is global warming?    Maybe both?  After eavesdropping on the mind-blowing Fifty Shades of Overcast conversation, you then “shared a similar route,” or “tried to find out his home address” for a while.  When you have to specify that you’re not trying to hunt him down and that he ought to feel admired (rather than frightened for his life and safety), that should be a red flag that you sound like a creeper.

Get extra cash the classy way – selling your body and self esteem on Craigslist!

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Date: February 8, 2013
Message: “Ice Cream truck driver / server !
Part time 2-3 days per week 3 -11 shift ! (2 Weekdays / Sunday)
Must have clean driving record ! 25 or over insurance requirements
SERV SAFE REQUIRED ! Can get it during training process but plus if you already have it !

Need to have own transportation to and from work ! Clean driving record . Friendly and out going !

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  This is either the best possible job on Craigslist, or the worst.  If it’s the best, then the only downside is having to have your own alternate mode of transportation.  I’d love to be rolling around Baltimore in my very own ice cream truck at all hours; it would be worth the hell of parallel parking it.  In complete juxtaposition, it would be horrible to be the ice cream truck that rolls around Patterson Park.  There’s a particularly creepy truck that plays a song that sounds like Katamari, but more sinister, and I sure wouldn’t want to be known as the person that drives the creepy Patterson Park ice cream truck.  To decide if this is a job worth taking, I highly recommend asking follow-up questions.

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“personal massager needed”
Date: February 10, 2013
Message: “busy professional needs the relief of an individual who can give a great massage/stress relief.
no lic required, just the ability to give a great massage and relieve tension
obviously must be attractive, sensuous, and soothing
this is a part time permanent position
pays 50/hour and up”

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  OBVIOUSLY you must be attractive, sensuous, and soothing!  Fugos need not apply.  You don’t need to be licensed, just sexy and willing to stroke a stranger.  What I don’t understand is why this guy person  doesn’t just go to the massage school.  You get an almost-licensed massage therapist for half the price!  They may be trained, but there’s no guarantee for sensuality or scale for soothing qualities.

Someone else’s useless crap can now become your useless crap at no cost to you!

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 “bedside commodes (bel air)”
Date: February 8, 2013
Message: “2 bedside commodes for the handicapped”

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  Everyone, and I mean everyone deserves better than free and used commodes. I have hygiene concerns. I have ethics concerns (what happened to the people that were using these before?).  I have maintenance questions: how do you clean that bucket part?  Why are they different heights?  Are there weight requirements?  Can it work as a urinal, or would there be too much splashback?  Is that horse picture in the background also free, and is it related to the bedside commodes?  WHY ARE THESE FREE?

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