Watch Out for the Heat Today, Baltimore!

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Heatwave, the band.

Seriously, everybody watch out for this crazy heat today. Every weather service I’ve been consulting (read: obsessively rechecking waiting for the numbers to magically recede) has predicted a different high temperature, but they all agree it’ll be somewhere around 100 degrees Fahrenheit. And WICKED HUMID. Same for tomorrow. And the low temperatures aren’t going to break 80 degrees!

I’d ask how you all were planning on “beating the heat,” but I know this kind of heat can’t be beat; it can only be endured. So don’t be a hero and try to lead some vainglorious swimming expedition! If you commute to work by bus, or by a car with no air conditioning, call in sick. Or don’t even lie — just call in damn-hot! They’ve got to understand. If you’re boss doesn’t understand then you know he/she is not human. Maybe you’ve been suspecting this for some time. Well, use this heatwave to find out!

Another (of the few) unintended benefits of this awful, disgusting heat is the camaraderie it engenders. Only under such extreme conditions can we lock eyes with a passerby and give a shrug and feel that we’ve opened our hearts to them. So, if you do find yourself walking the streets of Baltimore without your refrigeration suit today, I suggest that you consider addressing a stranger with something simple and unadorned like, “It’s a hot one,” or even “God, this heat.” You will no doubt feel as if the two of you are brothers in arms. Godspeed!

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