Dear Sara,
When is it okay to encourage your girlfriend to take slightly better care of herself? She’s not unhealthy, but, like, those last fifteen pounds? Please don’t say never. I’m not a jerk, really.
Dear Jerk,
Your plea at the end gave you away entirely; you’re totally worried you’re being shallow but you’re not quite sure how not to be, so you assume your original predicament must be valid. Avoiding being shallow, however, isn’t always a deep emotional or spiritual awakening, thank goodness, because really, those can be exhausting. In this case, it’s just about thinking rationally and objectively about reality and where your expectations of her are coming from.
A man I dated long, long ago asked me his version of this question back then. In his mind, I was almost perfect, and how dare I be almost perfect when I could have been even more perfect for just a little bit more work? This was his way of being sweet. But at the time, he wasn’t capable of understanding several tough realities that are just part of being an adult. I list them here, but bear in mind they are not made to make you feel bad for asking. The more you reflect on them, the more you will see her as totally removed from the shadow of your expectations – a shadow that is probably bringing you both down.
1. He was inaccurately comparing me to other girls, when he should have been comparing me to himself.
