In the War Between Texas and Maryland, My Money’s on Maryland

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So Texas Governor Rick Perry pretty much just declared war. In an attempt to coerce both businesses and average citizens to move to the Lone Star State, Perry has created a radio ad that is just one long string of insults against Maryland.  “When you grow tired of Maryland taxes squeezing every dime out of your business, think Texas,” Perry says in the spot, according to the Baltimore Sun. It also insults Governor Martin O’Malley for turning Maryland into ” the Tax and Fee State, where businesses and families are paying some of the highest taxes in America.” Well, Perry, you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into. Here are a few simple reasons you’re a fool to mess with Maryland:

1) Sure, you’re big. We’ve got the Navy. Still want to fight?

2) Yeah, it’s great that you have lax laws and don’t enforce regulations. Sure, sometimes things explode, but who cares as long as the business climate’s good, right?

3) Maryland has the best public school system, the current Super Bowl champions, the number one hospital system, and the highest median income in the country. Texas is really good at… executing people (sometimes innocent people!) and industrial accidents.

4) Texas barbecue isn’t even all that good.

5) There is, unsurprisingly, a website called Doesn’t exist. If it comes down to it, Maryland will win this war by sheer numbers alone — just because we’ll be able to recruit all those Texas-haters out there.

6) Another great benefit of Texas’ regulation-lite, business-friendly atmosphere? The worst pollution record in the entire country.

7) Texas still has (unconstitutional!) laws on the books listing “homosexual conduct” as a criminal offense; last fall, Maryland became the first state in the nation to pass a marriage equality measure by popular vote. Who’s on the right side of history again?

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  1. Until the fracking pollution from Pennsylvania rolls downhill, I’ll stay in Maryland. So much for dumb loyalty.

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