Baltimore Fishbowl Contributing Writer MV Banks writes the following column for The City That Breeds, and asks, “Huh?” to many of the weird and wonderful offers and asks on the local version of the world’s biggest classified section.
You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym? Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.
Date Posted: January 15, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Message: “Beloved blue Knicks hat we have enjoyed many games since 99. Our last venture was to see Manhunter at the Charles where we were separated. I miss you. If anyone came across this treasure with white stitching on the back please help us reconnect!”
“Wendy, rides a Harley, live in owings mills”
Date Posted: January 18, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Message: “I’m looking for an old fwb. Lost contact a while back but used to have so many great sexual nights together. She’s in her 50s, rides a Harley and has a full back tattoo. I’m desperately trying to reach her. ”
Questions Raised: You little grave digger, you! I do appreciate your being vague in terms of your “fwb.” Genuinely, I do. I’d like to know how you met Wendy. Are you trying to reach her to tell her about your crippling syphilis? I’d wager that she already knows. I’d like to know what her back tattoo is, and if she got it with you present. Do you guys have matching back tattoos? Lord, I hope so. Does she let you ride on the Harley with her? DOES SHE HAVE A SIDECAR THAT YOU USED TO RIDE IN? If so, I’ll make it my personal mission to find this woman with a sidecar for you, just so I can see you two reunited, matching back tattoos and all, spinning around Charm City (or Owings Mills, which is far less exciting) in your Harley/Sidecar combination.
Date Posted: January 20, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Message: “We sat next to each other today and I found you very attractive. We only had a few min afterward to talk wish it was longer. By some chance I hope we meet again.”
Questions Raised: In complete and utter juxtaposition to Wendy and her man above, here is someone looking for love in a sanctioned place. The Harley has been replaced by the Popemobile and the back tattoos with scapulars. Speaking from a well-informed vantage point verified by 13 years of Catholic schooling, I have to question how Sister Joanne would feel about using something as lewd as Craigslist to find your Church-approved union. This young man could just as easily forgone the hassles and temptations of Craigslist and found another suitable soul on Christian Mingle, but he knew this lady was different. And by different, I mean attractive. In Dressing with Dignity, a very real book a friend of mine had to read at her more conservative Catholic high school , they highlight the importance of your faith being the most attractive aspect of you. The fact that this fellow had the audacity to post on Craigslist and then explicitly state that he found this woman attractive, not likely meaning her soul, is shocking to me. You’re at church, dude. Focus. Listen to the homily. Stop reading the Weekly Church Bulletin and checking out the ladies. Go big and focus, or just go home.
Get extra cash the classy way – selling your body and self esteem on Craigslist!
“Head Lice Removal Specialist”
Date: January 21, 2013
Message: “LiceDoctors is looking to expand our staff of head lice professionals in Baltimore, Howard County and all surrounding areas. SCHOOL NURSES OR INDIVIDUALS WITH HEAD LICE REMOVAL EXPERIENCE ONLY. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE IN LICE AND NIT REMOVAL PLEASE DO NOT APPLY. We will train you in our treatment protocol and you can work as your schedule allows. P/T day, evening and weekend hours. We pay $30 per hour plus travel expenses. See below for a description of our company. We require that you carry your cell phone with you at all times so you can be contacted and access to a car. Please send me your resume along with a brief description of your lice removal experience. Please call!
LiceDOCTORS (www.licedoctors.com) is a professional head lice and nit removal company servicing Baltimore and the metropolitan area. Please call!
• Proven track record–we have treated thousands of families with head lice over the past 15 years
• 100% effective–GUARANTEED!
• All natural ingredients
• Treatment in the comfort and privacy of the patient’s home
• Available 7 days a week–days and evenings
• Lowest prices in the area
• Guaranteed confidentiality
• No company products to purchase”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: I know what you’re thinking. I do. My gut reaction was revulsion, too. But let’s think about it. The money really isn’t all that bad. $30/hr for 8 hours a day, five days a week, for a year comes out to a bit over $75,000. Sure, it’s $75,000 you make picking through kids’ louse-infested heads, but that’s all you have to do. I do wonder how one acquires entry-level experience in the nit-removal world, so that you can be qualified for wonderful gigs such as this? When I was little, our “Nit Removal Specialist” was the school nurse, and later, unfortunately, my mother. Her treatments involved those horrible chemical solutions that burned your hair follicles, and at the lowest point, a vacuum cleaner tube to my seven year-old scalp. Kids these days are spoiled with their at-home specialists who use all natural ingredients. I’d bet good money that won’t kill nearly as effectively as Nix. There is nothing like the potent combination of chemicals and the shame of being that kid that was sent home for lice to build some serious character.
“Hippies with the Flow”
Date: January 21, 2013
Message: “Hip art and decorating company seeks career oriented men and women who enjoy money, music, and casual dress. No experience necessary. Paid training up to $500 per week. Full Time only. For immediate interview call!”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: I wasn’t quite sure what this was at first. I enjoy money, music and casual dress, but how on earth do I know if I’d be a good fit for Hippies with the Flow? Doesn’t everyone enjoy money, music and casual dress? What would I be doing with Hippies with the Flow? I fear the fact that I even asked that meant I was too stuck up for the likes of HWTF. My curiosity got the best of me, so I googled, “Hippies with the Flow”, stupidly assuming that was the name of the company. Nope. The company is in fact “American Made Art” and they post this opening all over the country from Atlanta to Denver to, apparently, Baltimore. They’re telemarketers… for art. So, there you have it. If you’re a hippie who enjoys going with the flow, and also being an ass who calls people right as they’re sitting down to dinner, then this is the job (and career path!) for you!
“Dog for hire (West Baltimore burbs)”
Date: January 20, 2013
Message: “Yellow lab/pointer/pit mix for hire, to rid your property of small mammals. Apparently we dont have enough squirels and chipmonks for our dog; he needs to explore everyone elses yard for critters too.this dude can practically climb trees in persuit of a long tailed rat; at least he thinks so. The vet and I tried to convince him otherwise but he has the worst case of tunnel vision on earth. He doesn’t realize a tree is approching quickly unbtil its too late. So it would be better if you had squirels that don’t like trees. The fee is simple a large bisquit or a peice of dog bacon. please reply with squireller in reply.”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Also listed on this post, “Telecommuting okay.” How is the dog supposed to telecommute and rid my hypothetical yard of small mammals? More importantly, it doesn’t sound like your dog is too terribly talented at hunting/chasing/ridding lawns of varmint He runs into trees? You need to spin his CV in a much more appealing way, because right now I’ll stick with my overweight basset who can eat dead mice on the sidewalk ThankYouVeryMuch. If it’s exercise your dog needs, take him to a dog park. Or, God forbid, walk him yourself. That’s an easy way to putter the little dude out so that he doesn’t tear up your yard and give himself concussions on conifers.
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