The Best of Craigslist: January Week 4 – An Overly In-Depth Review of the Wholly Inconsequential

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Baltimore Fishbowl Contributing Writer MV Banks writes the following column for The City That Breeds, and asks, “Huh?” to many of the weird and wonderful offers and asks on the local version of the world’s biggest classified section.

You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym?  Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.

photo 1don’t let our youth go to waste
Date Posted: January 24, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Age: 26
Message: “for the one i pushed away:

I need to walk by flowers with someone who can share my face
and it looks like no one can take your place
and I could bleed in sympathy with you
on those days
and I could drink up everything you have
don’t let it go to waste

I could give you memories to rival Berlin in the thirties
and I really understand your dating bar ways
and I could bleed in sympathy with you
on those days
and I could drink up everything you have
don’t let it go to waste

Say something warm, say something bright
cause I can’t stand to see it when you’re cold
nor can I stand being out of your life
I could bleed in sympathy with you
on those days
and I could drink up everything you have
don’t let our youth go to waste”
Questions Raised: Oh dude, you wrote her a poem?  And not just any poem, the poem to top all emo poetry ever penned by an angst-ridden teenager.  Except, you are 26.  You talk about “bleeding in sympathy” and I’m not sure if you mean that in an emo way, or an incredibly inappropriate way in reference to monthly cyclical change.  Why do you want to give her memories of Berlin in the 1930’s?  What’s wrong with present day Berlin?  With your emo temperament, I almost expected Berlin in the 1940’s.  Next time, skip the poem.  Skip the references to blood.  Skip the “drink up everything you have” line that may be the second most creepy line after “bleed in sympathy.”  Less is more.  Start with, “Sorry about that creepy poem I wrote on Craigslist about you.  Let’s laugh about it over a coffee!  I can’t get drinks because alcohol doesn’t mix well with my medication.”

photo 2Cute Brunette at CEP
Date Posted: January 27, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Age: 45
Message: “Hi,
I saw you last night at Cat’s Eye Pub. You were wearing a white jacket and with a couple of friends, and I was seated with a co-worker. We exchanged glances. I wanted to say hello, but didn’t get a chance. If you’d like to talk, please describe me or what I was wearing. I’d love to hear from you.”

Questions Raised:  In the ages (weeks) that I’ve been reviewing and scouring Craigslist for all you wonderful CTB readers, I’ve never had the pleasure of what I bring you for this lucky poster.  I think I found another post that may be this woman.  Let’s analyze:
“In very good shape.  Must see.”
That sounds promising.  She’s in good shape, like I’d imagine this “cute brunette” may be.
“White fabric.”
Holy hell, like a white jacket?  She lives in Timonium, but hey, love knows no boundaries!  And the kicker is that she attached a photo.  Looks about right.

photo 3“Midnight Magic”
Date Posted: January 26, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: 25
Message: “We were both at the Magic: The Gathering midnight prerelease event on Friday. We talked rather a lot. I thought you were cute and had a nice voice. And would kinda like to get back in touch with you. I have curly brown hair and was wearing a purple shirt. What guilds were we playing?

Just going to toss this into the ether, because, well, why not?”

Questions Raised:  Nothing warms my heart like a good old fashioned dose of nerd love.  In its purest form, this is what Craigslist was created for.  It should be a haven for the socially awkward inept handicapped, a place where the unlucky in love and Magic, The Gathering can convene and find their soulwizard.  The purple shirt doesn’t do much since we’re in the epicenter of RavensMania right now, but good call on naming the guilds.  Some other descriptors would have been useful, but I wish you luck.  Mad props, honey, for making the first move (via CL).  Some men are weary of taking initiative, so I applaud your throwing gender norms to the wind  in the name of love.  Go guild get yours!

Someone else’s useless crap can now become your useless crap at no cost to you!

photo 4

Camper 1973 28ft Roadrunner
Date: January 27, 2013
Message: “1973 Camper will sleep 4, bought a new camper and don’t need this anymore, you haul and its yours. Would make a great hunting shack, needs a little TLC but its free.



Questions, Comments, Concerns:  “Hunting shack” means…. murder closet?  Initially, I thought this could pass as a nice little hipster hideout.  “Go camping in flannel!  Drink ‘Boh/PBR!  Plug your iphone into this vintage radio clock!  Buy too many “Keep Calm and _____” posters!  Embrace irony!”  Then I saw the second photo and immediately thought, “Meth lab.  This is totally a meth lab.”  Check this out, and now juxtapose it with this:

Where the crazies go to yell about each other to one another, or confused people post what they please.

photo 2“Wife hit by meteor, died in my arms”
Date: January 29, 2013
Message: “I know this sounds impossible but my wife was hit by a meteor, just after giving child birth. It happened in Nigeria, in the city of Lagos Apapa. You will never be able to get the story on google, because there is no wifi in the house it happened. Yes, I am now a single parent. I was on a sabonical for my missionary work related to save the children.

Needless to say I would like a womans companionship to help me through this horrific ordeal. No type of dating, just some sort of understanding. She was a wonderful wife, always had my meals ready when I returned from the jungle. I named my child Moonbeam, as a tribute to her glowing face. I can still see her when I close my eyes. This was our only child.

The Nigerians specifically called to my parish to have me attend their needs due to my ability to magically heal folks via my brain waves. Any gals out there that need my help just drop me an email.

Do not pay attention to anyone on here who says I am the same guy as Harford County. He looks like Brian Williams and I look like George Looney. Did I mention I am well hung? and can do the alpabet on your, (you know where). I also smell good most of the time. Call me Maybe?????? 1800-well-hung. Chow”
Questions, Comments, Concerns:  My first and most important question is why is this posted in Rants and Raves?  It is neither a rant, nor a rave.  It’s a lengthy and ridiculous story that ends in what I think is a solicitation for sex, but also includes an unsolicited fact about size in this man’s southern hemisphere.  So, why rants and raves?  Second question: Why the lies about Save the Children?  While they do indeed work in Nigeria, Lagos Apapa is quite a hike from this jungle you hypothetically worked in.  I also think they would hire you for qualifications beyond mystical healing brain waves. Third question: WHY DID YOU NOT USE YOUR HEALING BRAIN WAVES TO SAVE YOUR WIFE?  That, I think is my biggest concern here.  You offer these powers to other girls saying, “Any gals out there that need my help just drop me an email,” but you don’t even bother to save your wife, whose face reminds you of a moonbeam?  I am not sold on you, sir.  Not one bit.  Your body image issues and exaggerations aside, you claim you look like George Looney.  Too many image results come up for me to make a definitive call on your honesty in this case, but I am, yet again, skeptical.  Question four (five?) Next question: You say Moonbeam (gender-neutral) was your only child.  What happened to Moonbeam?  Did you leave him/her in Nigeria?  What brought you to the Baltimore area?  Was it the crabcakes, or the Ravens? I just… I don’t even know where to start with you buddy.  Best of luck finding what I think is a mate.  May your brainwaves serve you better with your next mate.  MeteorGodspeed

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