Baltimore Fishbowl Contributing Writer MV Banks writes the following column for The City That Breeds, and asks, “Huh?” to many of the weird and wonderful offers and asks on the local version of the world’s biggest classified section.

You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym?  Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.

photo 1

“Altar server at St Philip and James”
Date Posted: March 17, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: 21
Message: “You were the altar server at 5pm mass this week. I have always admired you from afar and think that you are very cute/handsome. I doubt that you have noticed me (I don’t go to any events but I am usually in church). If you happen to see this, or someone you know sees this, I would like to meet you and get to know you. I know this might sound creepy, but really I just don’t know how to introduce myself and can be shy in public.

Questions Raised: I find it a little unsettling that this is not the first church-related missed connection. It’s not that I’m against people finding love at church, it’s that I just feel it’s disconcerting for it to be amongst the tawdry and lewd postings.  I don’t want moral people using the same means to find each other as the “casual encounters” group.  Keep your good intentions off Craigslist, lest you be spammed by the gross people of the earth!  Stick to Christian Mingle, please, for your own benefit!

photo 2

“Beautiful Sandwich Maiden”
Date Posted: March 23, 2013
Sex: Male (for Woman)
Age: 21
Message: “You made my sandwich today. As I approached the counter to order my sandwich, I noticed how beautiful you were. You asked me what I wanted and we both seemed a bit flustered about what to say to each other even though it was all business. You smiled at me and I smiled back, hoping you thought I was cute. To prove that its really you, message me back with what sandwich I ordered, or a specific detail about the glasses I was wearing.”

Questions Raised: First of all, let’s hear it for the Potbelly’s that are popping up around the city!  First, there’s this one in Mt. Vernon on Charles, and there’s another one that just came to life in Charles Village (also on Charles).  Everyone, rush to get your toasted goodness and a milkshake!  Now, about this gentlemen poster.  Many of you have probably served your time in a mind-numbing, customer-service oriented job that may or may not have revolved around food service.  I will admit that I spent one (very long) summer in college as a cashier at Harris Teeter.  It was about as glamorous as one would assume, and what happened every day is that I would turn all receptors off in my brain and go into autopilot.  I’d plaster on a big, over-enthusiastic smile, and begin.  “Hi, welcome to Harris Teeter!  Do you have your VIC card with you today?  Are plastic bags going to be alright with you?  Oh my gosh I LOVE this ice cream -I’m so excited it’s on sale!  Would you like any help out to your car today?  Thanks so much for shopping with us at Harris Teeter; have a wonderful day!”   I don’t know the face of a single person who passed through my lane.  You smile because they tell you to in brainwashing training.  So, dear poster, I promise you that’s what happened here.  This girl is paid to serve you your sandwich with a smile.  She isn’t interested in you, and if you don’t believe me, I defer to The Oatmeal.

photo 2

“Naked Snow Angel Day”
Date Posted: March 6, 2013
Sex: Male (for Woman)
Age: 52
Message: “Unhappily married Snowman seeks NSA Snowvixion for stress free melt between the sheets. This Snowman is easy on the eyes and simply exploring lifes simple pleasures. E-mail subject reference should include your bedside beverage of choice. Pic for pic. What a way to remember the snow storm of 2013….Spring is just around the corner.”

Questions Raised:  As far as wonderful, terribly cliched Craigslist posts go, this one’s pretty high up there.  If we’re going to get nitpicky here, it’s not really a missed connection, but I can forgive them because they used the phrase “stress free melt between the sheets.”  He’s pretty upfront about what he wants, what he expects, and what he can offer, and packages it nicely in what could easily become a sequel picture book to Frosty the Snowman.  We’ll forgive him that it never snowed, and one cannot have a Snowvixen Stressfree Melt without that powdery precipitation

Get extra cash the classy way – selling your body and self esteem on Craigslist!

photo 4

“Snow Removal”
Date: March 4, 2013
Message: “Snow Removal laborers and machine operators needed for upcoming snow storm

If interested, call us immediately.”

Questions, Comments, Concerns: Remember that time they called for the worst snow storm in the history of Baltimore, everything shut down, and we all hunkered down and braced ourselves for the worst?  Remember that time it rained and was kind of windy?  Remember when that was the same day?  I hope no one responded to this posting, because they would’ve had no snow to remove.  All in a non-snow day’s work, I suppose. 

photo 3

“Fishing/Crabbing Boat Deckhand”
Date Posted: March 10, 2013
Message: “Full time, year round position available for a deckhand on a commercial fishing and crabbing boat in the Essex, MD area.  Experience not required; although, useful.  Applicant must be able to perform heavy lifting and ensure all types of weather conditions and long hours.  Dependable transportation is a must.  Only serious applicants, please.

Questions Raised: Once a year or so ago, I was at Joe Squared on North Ave with some friends enjoying the musical stylings of the Manly Deeds.   They stood up to dance, leaving me to enjoy the music and my cider in peace, when all of a sudden I was accosted by a man who had, only moments before, been sitting across the room at a completely different table.  “Hi,” he said, “My name’s Dale and I’m an oyster farmer.”  Dale was an aggressive flirter, in the least attractive way possible, in that way where you tried to brainstorm the most horrific possible things to say to make him leave you alone.  “I’m sorry, what was that?  I was busy checking my email.  It turns out this foot fungus I have is incurable, which wouldn’t be so bad if the scent wasn’t so pungent.” Alas, I wasn’t quick enough on my feet and Dale kept talking.  The moment my friends began walking back to the table, he slipped away just as quickly as he’d appeared.  I’ll never forget the first time I was picked up by an oyster farmer, though, and I can only hope that men of similar caliber applied to this posting, and will soon add to the treasures of missed connections- ALA Dale The Oyster Farmer.

Where to go when someone needs that je ne sais quoi you may just own.

photo 2

“adult x rated vhs wanted”
Date: March 25, 2013
Cost: $1000
Message: “Adult x rated vhs wanted how many ya got 443 XXX XXXX”

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  This person is willing to spend some serious cash on old school VHS – up to $1,000.  I haven’t searched, but I’d imagine somewhere like eBay would be a goldmine for this sort of particular need.  If it’s because you only have a VCR, I have an extra DVD player I need taken off my hands.  I can’t offer you anything in the line of adult x rated DVDs, but it’s a start towards stepping into this millennium.  BYO adult videos.

Public Service Announcement!
Love the Best of Craigslist?  Do you spend more time than you care to admit scouring Craigslist for a bike, lover or piece of furniture?  If you find something amazing in your perusal, tweet it to @banksmv, because we can’t possibly catch all the gold out there. We need your help!