Baltimore Fishbowl Contributing Writer Maria-Veronica “MV” Banks writes the following column for The City That Breeds, and asks, “Huh?” to many of the weird and wonderful offers and asks on the local version of the world’s biggest classified section.
You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym? Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.
“Hippodrome Theater (downtown Balto)”?
Date Posted: December 3, 2012
Message: “You sat next to me Saturday evening at the Million Dollar Quartet show. section CMBAL row X* seat XXX*. You were with a chubby man. You were petite, short dark hair, glasses & the color of your lipstick was driving me madd. I wanted to kiss you & taste your lips. We smiled at each other twice. I wanted to speak to you , but couldn’t. I would love to see you again. Maybe only in my dreams.”
Questions raised: I am so impressed you’re on Craigslist at all, but especially for Missed Connections. Mad kudos. Now, what are the chances that the object of your affection also uses Craigslist? Slim to none? This breaks my heart, honestly, but you may need to search elsewhere. I know 62 isn’t terribly old, but it’s old enough that this isn’t a guarantee buddy. Keep going to swanky events, and stay in shape. You can beat out the chubby guy’s risk of heart disease. You’ve got this! Eat your daily bowl of oatmeal! Mind over matter; I’m rooting for you.
** row and seat changed, because the idea of people receiving social security and using missed connections at the same time WARMS MY HEART
“Looking for Soccer Mom (Jiffy Lube, Nov 16)”
Date Posted: December 6, 2012
Message: “You were taking your youngest to tournament. You had no ring. reply with what we laughed about”
Questions raised: I’m not even sure where to start with you, friend. This was almost a month ago. Chances are, and I’ll admit that I’m generalizing here, this busy mom-on-the-go doesn’t have time to be creeping on Craigslist. My guess is that she laughed awkwardly while you guffawed, puffing out your chest at just how clever you are. Unless you came prepared with boxes of Capri Sun and can slice oranges like there’s no tomorrow, I highly suggest you keep on moving.
What, I ask you, is better than the free section on Craigslist? Where else in the world can you find discarded gems, free of cost? Even Village Thrift charges you a minuscule amount to cover the cost of their threadbare upkeep.
“Ferret Cage. 3 levels. Huge! Curb alert.”
Date: December 8, 2012
Message: “This was an expensive multi level ferret cage when new. No longer used. Has metal pan on bottom but not sure how it connects. Come get it for free. On front porch at XXXX. I’ll delete this ad as soon as someone gets it.”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Your ferret died in here, didn’t he? It malfunctioned, he died, and you can’t handle the guilt on your conscience anymore. No worries, send it away. Someone else can be haunted by the ghost that dwells in your ferret mansion. I have to admit, so many days I’ve been jolted from my sleep with thoughts of where I’ll find my next ferret cage. Thank you, so very many thanks, for the end to my torment.
“Awesome Collection of Jameson Bottles (Mt Vernon)”
Date: December 5, 2012
Message: “Moving out so I must part with this collection of Jameson bottles. use for art, make lamps out of them?… just class the place up? whatever. they come in two sizes. Pickup after 6PM. Cheers!”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: I like Jameson, too. However, some habits just have to be retired after age 22, such as saving liquor bottles. Baltimore City is gracious enough to recycle for its residents, so instead of pawning off your Boozing Trophies on a poor, unsuspecting soul for the purpose of “Classing the place up,” just throw them in the recycling bin. Love your Jameson by respecting it.
Jobs – part time
The holidays are here and maybe you’re pinching pennies to buy Mom that new sweater set from Coldwater Creek. Here are some opportunities for making extra cash on the side to pay that higher BGE bill, or cover the cost of that office Secret Santa gift.
“Earn $20 Over & Over Again”
Date: December 8, 2012
Message: “Earn $20 over and over again!! Help distribute our product and you (and the customer) are awarded $20 every time!! No fees are involved. This is really simple.
Send reply email for details.
Compensation: $20 over and over
Telecommuting is ok.”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: You know that scene in The Wire where Stringer Bell sits the guys down to talk about how to fix supply and demand for their product? I swear, that’s what this is. Why won’t you share what your product is? Why are there no fees involved? Will you need me to fill out a W2? What’s the benefit plan look like? Why does the customer get $20, too? Are we selling $20?
“Male Foot Webcam Model”
Date: December 8, 2012
Message: “Looking for Men who would be interested in being a foot model
Guys in College and Jocks are a plus!
could earn $20-50 per session
Looking for ages 18-30 (If you are older and still interested you can still apply)
If interested please send a picture of yourself
2. first name
3. city/area you live in
4. shoe size
You MUST have a working computer, and a decent webcam (We prefer HD)
This is a great way to earn some extra money!”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Let me just take a moment to rewrite this in the common vernacular.
“Hi. I have a foot fetish! I’ll pay you money so I can watch a livestream of you taking off your socks.”
My first question is why does there has to be a photo of the applicant when you just need their feet for modeling? Does foot modeling have the same kind of upward mobility as hand modeling? Ladies apparently need not apply, because there are just some industries we’ll never be able to crack. DAMN THE MAN!