Baltimore Fishbowl Contributing Writer MV Banks writes the following column for The City That Breeds, and asks, “Huh?” to many of the weird and wonderful offers and asks on the local version of the world’s biggest classified section.
You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym? Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.
“Things You Should if you’re Kevin’s girlfriend”
Date Posted: February 16, 2013
Sex: Female (for F)
Message: “ He has an STD and will definitely try if not convince you to sleep with him without condoms
-He’s already slept with another girl while dating you
– He’s high pretty much all day, every day
– He lies and he’s completely unreliable
– Maturity-wise, he’s essentially 14
Great guy to date, right?”
Questions Raised: This isn’t a Missed Connection, this is a PSA. A poorly informed PSA, because I believe we’re calling them STI’s these days and not STD’s in order to remove the stigma she’s trying so very hard to convey. I’m not saying this Kevin character doesn’t sound like a winner. He’s probably sketchy, yes. But this lady doesn’t sound like the brightest bulb in the box if she’s fell for it all. I don’t trust her judgment in men, or the fact that she’s probably 16 years old and 14 was just SO FRESHMAN YEAR.
“Info on gun range person (Severn)”
Date Posted: February 13, 2013
Sex: Male Woman (for Male Woman)
Message: “Can anyone tell me about the long haired person that works at the gun range in Severn?
There is a a long haired person there, that is really super knowledgeable and very insightful & helpful, and I just wanted to know if they were single and available.
Also, most importantly I want to know if they are a guy or a girl.
Some times I go into shoot and he looks very pretty, too pretty to be a guy and other days I go in and she looks kinda butch & manly.
I’ve heard the other employees usually refer to the long haired person as a “him” or use a nickname “Doc” to get their attention and I overheard the older guy in a blue vest call him Crystal a few times. So I am all kinds of confused as to why a HE is Crystal and why they call him Doc instead of his name.
I am not trying to be rude, as I am interested either way. But would like to approach them appropriately.
Questions Raised: What questions doesn’t this raise? If this person is interested regardless of gender, then arguably this post is null and void. Just approach Doc/Crystal/her/him and ask them out! Your questions would all be answered in due time. I’m going to generalize the hell out of people who work at gun ranges, but chances are that regardless of what equipment the object of your desire has, they probably aren’t interested in swinging either way with someone who’d go … either way. You say you’d like to “approach them appropriately,” but I’m not even sure what constitutes “appropriate” in this situation.
Date Posted: February 16, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Message: “We smile at one another and say “hello”, as well as ask each other how one another are doing when we cross paths (seems like a few times a week). When it’s sunny, I notice you wearing your aviator sunglasses which make you look adorable and bad ass at the same time. Not sure if you even know my name, but I’ve developed a bit of a crush and/or interest in you. I’ve wanted to ask you out for months, just haven’t figured out how. If you think this is you, you should know who I am based on how big my eyes get when I see you.”
Questions Raised: This particular post, and another that was just too detailed and creepy to be funny, really have made me weary of Charles Village. Who are these men, the ones who know your address, the ones who just stare you down and expect you to remember? The last sentence should be rewritten to read, “If you think this is you, you should know who I am because I’m the guy you always cross the street when you see him. I’m the guy always standing at the corner of your street. I’m the guy thinking about buying a boom box so I can go all Lloyd Dobler and gain my Full Level Creep badge!”
Get extra cash the classy way – selling your body and self esteem on Craigslist!
“Ray Lewis Foundation”
Date: February 12, 2013
Message: “The Ray Lewis Foundation has begun a program to raise awareness of STI’s through the Safer Sex Boxer Campaign. We are looking for marketers and sales professionals to sell these boxers. All proceeds go to the Ray Lewis foundation and sales are compensated.
1.5 dollars per pair.
If used as fundraiser for an organization 1 dollar will go to that organization and 50 cents goes to the arranger of the sale per pair of Boxers. Boxers each cost around 10 dollars depending upon bulk of order.
Contact for more information.“
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Of course Ray Lewis has a foundation that wants to raise the awareness of STI’s. It’s fitting, really, when you read the first missed connection we highlighted this week. More people do need to know about STI’s, that we now call them STI’s and not STD’s, how prevalent they are, and what can be done to prevent them. Now you can sell boxers that help raise awareness! Every lady hopes her man has a pair of boxers that act as a warning label. Good call, Ray. This is prudent and responsible. First you win us a Superbowl, and now you’re saving Baltimore from syphilis and gonorrhea. You’re a real hero, sir.
Where to go when someone needs that je ne sais quoi you may just own.
“Need a few chickens”
Date: February 18, 2013
Message: “My beautiful rooster recently lost his 2 girls he is so sad and lonely. Im looking for a few hens for him, they will be pets and well taken care of. I can pay a small fee doesnt matter what kind.thanks call me”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: PIMP OUT YOUR CHICKENS HERE. For $10, her rooster can look at yours all he wants. For an additional $5, let him ruffle her feathers. For a hefty $25, maybe let him have a one-time deal with her, and for $50/week your chicken can be this rooster’s geisha. Give him a roost, and you’ll be a millionaire with a chicken brothel. This is how dreams become reality.
Someone else’s useless crap can now become your useless crap at no cost to you!
“Lassie Collie 3D picture for Wall (Glen Burnie)”
Date: February 17, 2013
Message: “I forgot to measure, but I’m guessing it’s about 2 x 4.”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: I went through a rather impassioned period of my life, right after the 1994 Lassie remake. I was all about some collies. I wrote a report on collies. I drew lots of pictures of collies being badass. My sister won a coloring contest at the local pet store that won her some tickets to Kings Dominion where we’d be able to see Lassie. I couldn’t believe my
sister’s luck! I got to pet a random dog, and I’ve never been so excited about anything else in my life. I didn’t care that we were at an amusement park. I didn’t care that I probably ate ice cream and funnel cakes all day. I just remember PETTING THAT DOG. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the same Lassie from the movie. They probably had like fifteen random collies on tour throughout the country that they sold tickets to unsuspecting parents of children who were disturbingly enthused about a dog. Some girls had celebrity crushes on JTT, but I only had eyes for Lassie.
Essentially, Craigslist has the post for me. Just for me. Because I know no one else who could love a 3-D picture of Lassie as much as I. And this one’s free, to boot. It’s kismet.
Public Service Announcement!
Love the Best of Craigslist? Do you spend more time than you care to admit scouring Craigslist for a bike, lover or piece of furniture? If you find something amazing in your perusal, tweet it to @banksmv, because we can’t possibly catch all the gold out there. We need your help!