Baltimore Fishbowl Contributing Writer MV Banks writes the following column for The City That Breeds, and asks, “Huh?” to many of the weird and wonderful offers and asks on the local version of the world’s biggest classified section.

MISSED CONNECTIONS

You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym?  Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.

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“dicks sports”

Date Posted: January 13, 2013

Sex: Male (for F)

Age: 40
Message: “you where filling out paper work for a gun let me know what question you ask me i know its a long shot”

Questions Raised: I so badly want all of the bad puns and wordplay in here to be intentional.  “dicks sports” in Missed Connections is almost too perfectly obvious of a set up to be true.  The misspellings, and, of course, the “long shot” reference to purchasing a gun.  If you did mean these jokes intentionally, I hope this NRA card-carrying lady sees your post, and decides to get a good shot – AT YOUR HEART.
(…if you’re allowed to make horrendous gun puns, then damnit so am I.)

“highs dairy store”

Date Posted: January 11, 2013

Sex: Male (for F)
Age: 20
Message: “I came in the store today i had long hair in a pony tail along with a beard i bought a half and half Arizona ice tea with a jack links meat stick. you had red well burgundy colored hair you work there so if your reading this you should know its you i thought you are very beautiful great hair piercings and wonderful eyes that fit perfect with your smile. i hope you read this and remember me i hope to hear from you soon  if you reply let me know what color coat i had on so i know it is you. “


Questions Raised: This is a man who isn’t ashamed to wear his full beard past Movember.  This is a man who proudly buys a product that he’ll unabashedly refer to simply as a “meat stick.”  He’ll compliment your hair by referring to it as the same color as a legendary newscaster.  This, you lucky lady from High’s Dairy Store, is a true man of the people. I hope, for the sake of poetry, a good story, and just plain ‘ol consistency, that his coat is burgundy.  Just like your hair.

FREE
Last week, Craigslist provided you with a variety of unique pets.  This week, it’s offering easy incontinence clean-up for your furry friends!

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“doggy diapers”

Date: January 14, 2013
Message: “I bought these for a cat. The package is full and unopened. The size is “extra small” but they were too small for my cat. There was a chihuahua on the package.”

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  When my childhood beagle (RIP, Snoopy) reached the senior phase of her life, we experimented with a vast array of products to ensure her comfort in her final years.  This included, but was not limited to, absorbent pads for her to pee on indoors, and at one very low point, tying a plastic bag to her butt in case she had an indoor explosion while we were out.  Imagine the joy you could bring to a senior pet owner’s life with your generous gift of XS dog diapers that are too small for your hefty cat!  Nothing boosts a sad dog’s self esteem quite like a pad of absorbent paper expertly tied to their waist, for their waste.  It’s a shame my dog is far too fat for these, or I’d take them off your hands to stockpile for a few years down the line!
PuppyWeeWeePads

“Puppy House Training Pads”

Date: January 5, 2013
Message: I have a nearly full pack of puppy house training pads. I’ll remove this ad when they’re taken.

Questions, Comments, Concerns: These!  These are what we bought my ailing elderly beagle.  Years later, it takes a free Craigslist post for me to realize they were indeed for puppies and not 12 year old plus hounds.  Things I would ask this poster: Why are you giving away these training pads?  Did they not work for you?  Where is your dog peeing, instead?
Did you even use them for a pet, or are you just tired of trekking all the way to the bathroom like a shmuck every time you have to pee?  If any place is safe to share these things, it’s Craigslist.  We don’t judge (without reason) here.

FARM & GARDEN
Craigslist helps you in areas you didn’t even know you needed help in, such as exotic birds and where to lodge your livestock.

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“Peacock”

Date: January 14, 2013
Message: “I have 3 peacocks available.
1- 8 month old India Blue for $50
1- 3 Year old Black Shoulder for $100
1- 4 Year old Black Shoulder for $100
 Text or Call 
Thanks”

Questions, Comments, Concerns: Oh thank God, finally somewhere to find a peacock.  At least once a week, I find myself wondering where on earth to get a good peacock.  They just don’t make ‘em like they used to, especially in these parts.  It’s refreshing to find some good ‘ol fashioned peacocks, once and for all.

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“Board for goats sheep”

Date: January 14, 2013
Message: “We have room for your goats and sheep if you need to board them . Nice barn pasture and 24 hours care. Everything fenced. Please email or call”

Questions, Comments, Concerns: Sometimes I wonder where I’ll leave my pet when I go on vacation, but tragically, I always forget about my goats and sheep.  I generally just leave them in my apartment and hope my neighbors will let them out on the fire escape once a day.  Since I know I can’t be the only one suffering from this predicament, I am thrilled to share this posting with all of you.  Board your goats and sheep without worry!

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